Unrequited
by annonymouse
Summary: Everyday I'd wake up to his smile and thank God that the day began that way, his silence somehow gave me strength. But with one whispered name my heart would break. Every. Single. Time.


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Title: Unrequited  
**Author:**annonymouse  
**Disclaimer:** don't own, never will.  
**Summary: **Everyday I'd wake up to his smile and thank God that the day began that way, his silence somehow gave me strength. But with one whispered name my heart would break. Every. Single. Fucking. Time.  
**Author's Notes:** This is more like a stream of thoughts than a first person POV… Wrote this after missing the Saiyuki fandom somewhat desperately, even though I only contributed 2 stories before ^^;;; Anyway, hope you enjoy this.

*

He's so clueless, at least I hope he is, otherwise he's just a bastard who likes to torture his so called friend by using his emotions against him. He has to be clueless. Dear god… he'd _better_ be clueless. He can't…_ couldn't_ know how I feel, right?

"Here you go Gojyo." He leans over my shoulders to place a packet of cigarettes on the table. I don't think he knows just how much torture I go through everytime his body brushes against mine.

"Aa, thanks Hakkai." I rub my eyes tiredly, please let Hakkai be clueless… I tuck the packet carefully inside my pocket and get up to go to my room, leaving the last dumpling to the saru who ate it cheerfully. 

"Gojyo, are you okay? Are you coming down with something?" an innocent green eye searched my own. He looks so... please let me not sound like a teenage girl… he looks so cute like that… Hang on, is it _that_ abnormal for me to have an early night? Damn, I think it is. Reason, reason… think brain…

"Yeah, I think one too many nights slept on the road is getting to me." I say sarcastically just a little too loud, that corrupted priest better hear me. Two birds with one stone. Annoy the priest and reassure Hakkai all in one go. 

"Really? You're not coming down with a fever are you? Here, let me check." And before I could deny it or say anything else, a cool hand settles on my forehead. If I wasn't hot before, I will be now… Thankfully, I've always been one who could control my blushing and keep it to a minimum.

"Hakkai…" His face inched closer to mine as he leans closer, ohgodohgodohgod… Images of a swollen lip invade my thoughts… It'd be so easy, I could swoop down just a few more inches and taste him. I could swirl my tongue inside his mouth, maybe bite his lower lips a little and then we could…

"Hmm, you don't seem hot." Right. Stay in this world, no letting my imagination run wild. Got it.

"I was just kidding Hakkai, I think I'm just a little tired… Too much food and everything…" my voice trails off, the reason sounded lame even to me and that damn priest just raised his eyebrows. _Shut up Sanzo_, I will him with my mind. 

But it seems that Hakkai bought it, I mean… sitting back down and smiling up at me with those thin lips of his and… I mean, it's a good sign that he didn't ask anything else isn't it?

"Room 101" Sanzo tosses me one of the keys he held in his hands and went back to smoking.

"Mm. Ja." I say nonchalantly. Good. Some peace and quiet, for now at least…

*

You know, when you try to will yourself to sleep and desperately want to stop thinking, your brain will automatically go on Stubborn-Bastard Mode and start streaming you with images that would keep you up. 

I keep seeing his gentle smile, hearing that voice, seeing his lithe body, feel his slight warmth… Basically my senses felt as if it was going haywire. Hakkai was invading every single nerve in my body. Invading me, and I don't even care. I don't even mind. And I hate myself.

Sha Gojyo, womaniser extraordinaire does _not_ play _that_ side of the pitch. Sha Gojyo, self labelled confident playboy does not feel unsure and shy. And most of all, Sha Gojyo does not feel fluttery everytime his _straight best friend_ is near. 

It's just… Not right. He's my best friend, and he still loves Kanan… And there's the fact that he's a guy and I don't like 'like' guys. And I've never felt this with any other guy before… Only Hakkai, so is it some sort of passing fascination or what? No, I suppose not… I think it's more than that.

I lay on my bed all alone and let my thoughts drift even more.

When did I start feeling this way? I didn't realise when I started, I think I just jumped right into the deep-end by mistake. I think I began unconsciously 'liking' him when Sanzo came to say Cho Gonou is dead.

I didn't think fear that great would wash over me again like the time my mother almost… I just didn't think I'd feel it again. But a rush of nothing seemed to have swirled around my ears after that bastard of a priest played with me. And the transition between fear and panic hurt a lot. My stomach churned and all I could see was a dark void.

I never questioned why I cared so much about the fate of a man I had hardly known. But I did. And I think that was when it all started.

And then Cho Hakkai came to live with me, and to this day I still haven't decided whether I'm thankful for that chance or hate it. 

Everyday I'd wake up to his smile and thank God that the day began that way, his silence somehow gave me strength. But with one whispered name my heart would break. Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

After sometime, we began to confide in each other and I found out about her. Kanan. His one true love. I admired him for being able to stand each intense emotion that came with loving a person. I admired him for finally getting his life together again. And everytime he whispered her name unconsciously, pieces of my heart would crumble and fall like the rain that fell outside.

I sigh and turn restlessly on the bed, the cigarette pack fell out. It's actions like giving me something he knows I need that made me conscious of my feelings. He'd buy me cigarettes when he knows mine's almost finished, if we share a room he'd let me have the bed nearest to the window… Just the small stuff, ones I take for granted…

I started to notice that I'd look forward to a night spent in the tent or in a shared hotel room where I can be near enough to hear him breath. Near enough that in the middle of the night, I can see the outline of his face in the moonlight. Near enough that my heart ached painfully, my breath caught between pain of not being able to touch him and pleasure from just knowing he slept peacefully.

Hakkai probably doesn't know just how much torture I go through everyday, each time I see him. 

Once, a long time ago when his stomach wound was still healing, I'd tend to it everyday because he couldn't bend over or turn around properly to bandage himself. I'd wrap my arms around his slim figure a few times, hoping I didn't tie things too tightly, secretly and without any thought try to inhale his very essence deep inside.

He smells like winter. Crisp and cool. Clean. And 'clean' never smelt that good.

Somewhere along the way this 'like' turned to something more, I'm not really sure whether or not it's love as I've never really examined the feeling that closely. I mean, examining it would mean finally surrendering to it and accepting it. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to go through all the pain of loving someone, so every night I can, I spend away from him. I try to loose myself in the soft skin of a woman, trying to forget that clean smell by breathing in the sweet smell of perfume. 

But it's not working.

Everytime I go through the actions, it distracts me less and less. Last time, I even found myself choking his name out as I reached my climax. Needless to say, the woman kicked me out as soon as I got my trousers on.

Does this mean I'm finally accepting my annoying fate of unrequited love?

There's only one way to find out. I figure, if I can say it out loud without laughing about the absurdity of it all… Then it's gotta be the real thing.

"I love…" I try to say it out loud, my voice tentative in the silent room. There's no one here. "I love you." That's easy enough. Only one word left to go.

Silence stretched on for sometime, I found my vocal chords refusing to be used. Do I really want to step over this unseen barrier? I guess… I guess I'll never know if I don't let myself go through this path.

Lets try again. 

"I love you… Hakkai."

I've said it. 

I'm not laughing, I don't feel stupid, I have a smile on my face. 

My voice seems to echo all around the room, I can hear it over and over again in my mind. I guess I feel… relieved. Like a great burden has been shoved of.

Okay, so maybe this is how I'll live for a while.

I'm a tough guy. I can live with unrequited love.

I mean, it's not as if I'll be feeling this forever, is it?

~Owari~

Nyaaaa, finished at last.. What do you guys think? I'm not usually a Gojyo/Hakkai shipper and this is the first one of that pairing that I wrote. How did I do?


End file.
